Why, Nick, we have so much in common..

“I was within and without, simultaneously enchanted and repelled by the inexhaustible variety of life.”

Nick Calloway, The Great Gatsby

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Can’t Catch Me

There is a deep and dark line between father and daughter. Speaking for myself. I never got along with mine. He was good at yelling and bossing my mother, brother, and myself. When it was convenient for him to be supportive and help me in a “tough time” then he was happy. I always wanted to make him happy. I wanted him to see what a great daughter I could be. I wanted him to see how smart I was and creative. He was better at putting me down. I spent 28 years of life trying to detach my mind from desiring his acceptance. He was better at haunting me than I was at running quicker. I am finally cutting ties with him. He is unhealthy for me except he has been killing me slowly this entire time. Ignorance is bliss.

He can’t catch me anymore. There aren’t any more traps because I have set them all off.

I’m gone like the last grain of sand in an hourglass.

The original

Side note: I was going to post my very first blog but saw I had this archived. I forgot I had WordPress, and reopened it thinking, “Hey, I’m writing again. Let’s do this.” Now I’ve come upon this little artifact of who I was 5 years go. I could not think of a better place to start.

It was just a minute ago when I was facing a life that I was terrified of.

I’m not writing this blog to prove a point to anyone, to help anyone, to talk about myself, but to let everything off of my chest like a therapy session. This blog is for no one other than myself and although I may be putting myself out there if I don’t do this I will not know what my full potential is as a human being. I’m more than an average and I sore above plain. In fact, I am crazy and free as tequila is at a bar full of people. I live for myself and no one, in all 23 years of my life can or will change that.

And that’s my problem.

I can’t commit, I run from good things, I hate love, I don’t believe that two people can be together forever, I don’t like things to be the same for a long time, and I crave…I need life..life of party, fun, love, intoxication of life. I hate dull, boring, mundane…all of those are dull..boring..and mundane. Here I am staring at a computer buzzing on 7&7. My daughter’s picture sits next to me computer screen. She is yearning for life and her head faces East and drinking fresh water pouring off rocks. She too desires what I desire, only I hope she can settle more than I am currently TRYING to do so. God bless her.

This blog isn’t about her and I will rarely bring her up only to keep her identity HER identity. I love my daughter and she is all mine. This blog is about a darker side than anyone would be willing to come out with. I am not afraid to do it. My path has always been fun, crazy, spontaneous, secretive, crazy (again), and so rich..so so rich of life. My family thinks I need see a shrink because of “habits” and “choices” but please, if you know me then you will never stop me. I try new things with my entire soul and a lot of people aren’t willing to go that far and this is my blog. My blog about my path and the choices that I am making to figure out why I cannot stop acting like I am 16 years old with a fake ID.

I love everyone who can support and follow me. Your advice, your words, and thoughts will help me write for you and show what life is as a woman. A very single mama and woman.